As I held the lighter over the candles, I considered for a moment which to light. The colors signify the three manifestations of the Goddess, white for the maid, red for the mother, and black for the crone. This being the infertile time, I considered the black candle first. The crone reminds me of the necessity of death, and for me personally, the necessity of letting go of old, worn out ideas that need to be laid to rest. Will I ever have a successful professional career? Probably not. Will I satisfy my family's expectations that I "use my degree"? I don't think so, or at least, I won't be using it in the form of pursuing a career. I'm putting that idea in its final resting place. My education is put to use every time I read a book, every time I write a blog post, every time I interact with people asking for advice on various online forums. My education showed me how to use my brain and to make my own choices. That is use enough for me. Like the time of the new moon, I'll use this time to retreat into the quiet, to allow Death to take what it will, accept the loss, accept that I cannot control the ebb and flow of life and death. I will watch the tide go in and out. Death has its place in this time. I lit the black candle.
However, I also know that blood is life. It carries nutrition and oxygen to every part of the body and carries away waste. The pulsing of our blood maps the highs and lows of life, slowing and quickening with our sadness, happiness, anger, disappointment, anxiety, and hopes. In a special way, a woman's monthly blood is also life. The vessels form and fill with blood, waiting to be used to grow new life. This blood contains stem cells, which can mean new life to those who suffer disease. I've been writing a great deal, posting on all my blogs, full to the brim with ideas. At this time when the blood that is life is flowing, motherhood, giving birth to new creations of the mind and body are at the forefront of my awareness as well. I lit the red candle.
This first day of bleeding also marks the first day of a new cycle, a new beginning, nearly coinciding with the New Year. I do not know where I will go from here, but today, I am trying new things. I am starting fresh, again. I lit the white candle.
It is difficult to really connect to the concept of one's cycle on a spiritual level when I use a hormonal form of birth control. I'm not really "in tune with my cycle" so much as I am following a schedule of inserting the Nuvaring and removing the Nuvaring. The blood comes when the ring is gone, not when the cycle is complete. It stops when the ring is there, not because the cycle has actually begun again. I am in control. On some level, I appreciate that more. Control is very important for a person who has allowed others to determine her fate for so long. And maybe it is appropriate that the time when I will no longer have control will be when Husband and I decide we're ready to have children. I will choose to relinquish control over my body as I relinquish control of my life, or at least total control, as children have a tendency to take choice off the table in a way. Control is a tricky thing. I daresn't have too much.
peace.
Very lovely post. I went off my oral contraceptives last year for a couple of reasons, and getting used to my body again as unaltered by birth control continues to be interesting. For one thing, my menstrual cycles have been literally cyclical, with each month the cycle starting a week later than the previous month.
ReplyDeleteThe ladies I circle with also include a fourth aspect to the Goddess: that of Amazon or Queen, represented by the color purple and the waning moon. I like this addition; for me it encompasses all the so-called "masculine" things that women do and are--intellectual pursuits, war-like personalities, choosing to be single or childfree, general risk-taking.